The Journey of Grief

There was an unexpected death in my family this week. While reflecting on this loss, I came across something I wrote after the death of another family member a few years ago. I pray that these loved ones are joined together in a place much better than this world. I’d like to share some of what I wrote because many of the ideas still resonate immensely.

I find comfort in the signs of this person’s goodness. Beyond that, I think it’s important to be prepared for the eventuality of death before it comes. Often when attending funerals, I have felt grief for the person that passed, but I can’t help but ask myself: Am I prepared for the next funeral I will attend? And what if it’s mine?

When Grief Hits

When news of death arrives, I’ve seen that everyone reacts differently. Some are in shock. Others immediately stand up to pray. Some cry and others are angry. Many feel regret for time wasted or opportunities missed.

All of these emotions are what make us human. In fact, the Prophet ﷺ grieved his own son, Ibrahim. In a famous Hadith, we learn that his eyes flowed with tears. One of his companions said, “O Allah’s Messenger, even you are weeping!” He said, “O [companion], This is mercy.” Then he wept more and said, “The eyes are shedding tears and the heart is grieved, and we will not say except what pleases our Lord. O Ibrahim ! Indeed we are grieved by your separation.” 

This is so powerful to me. The man who received revelation from Allah felt pain and sadness – he wept real human tears. At the same time, he didn’t let his grief consume him or cause him to question Allah’s decree. He didn’t say – Why me? Why my son? – because he knew that everything happens for a reason. Alhamdulillah in every situation.

Lessons from Grief

Once some time has gone by, the grief stings less, although it may never leave completely. The process of grieving often makes a person wiser. Death has a way of putting a person’s priorities into sharp focus. Grief, with time, can reveal a silver lining even in the darkest situation.

For example when a young person dies, we are exceedingly grateful for our children and youth. If the deceased was a parent or a sibling, we remember that we should be kind and loving to our own families while we can. If the person was sick, we hope that the sickness was purifying for them in a spiritual sense. In every case, we trust that Allah has taken the person away in the best time for them and for us. And we are reminded that our own ending can come at any moment. 

Preparing for Death

“A man asked the Prophet ﷺ about the Hour (i.e. Day of Judgment) saying, “When will the Hour be?” The Prophet ﷺ said, “What have you prepared for it?” The man said, “Nothing, except that I love Allah and His Messenger.” The Prophet ﷺ said, “You will be with those whom you love.” We had never been so glad as we were on hearing that saying of the Prophet.”

What have I prepared for my “Hour” when I will meet Allah? Are my prayers and deeds at a level I want them to be? Have I wronged anyone? Is my Will in order? Am I treating each day like it could be my last?

Hope

There’s always a balance between hope and fear. I have to remind myself that perfection was never the goal. A loved one reminded me of this when I was grieving. I was trying to make sense of it all and wondering how I could ever be prepared for death. She reminded me that no one is perfect with words that shook me: “Angels don’t go to Heaven. People do.”